Kind Words From A Relative Stranger...

Gave me hope. Managed to bring a tiny shred of cheer in my pathetic life. Sometimes, support comes from the unlikeliest of sources. It feels nice.
I guess it means much more as it's unexpected.
They say, one shouldn't talk to strangers. That strangers are not supposed to understand. They don't understand.
But sometimes they do. And I'm glad they do.

The relative stranger did not have to say much. It was the who, when and how that made all the difference in the support I've been receiving so far. He said,

We all stiffen our upper lip and put on a brave face in this situation, but I can imagine what you must be going through. The time during Univ. admissions tries even the toughest. I wish there were something I could say to ease it (like, 'univ admissions are not the end of the world', or 'research matters, not the reputation doesnt',etc), but there isnt anything. If it is any comfort, know that I understand.

Relative Stranger, I did not say it well enough earlier. Thank you. Thank you for those well-meant words.

Graduate Applications and Me

It's strange how so many graduate applicants go through similar emotions and actions and yet pretend so well their utter clueless-ness about the existence of "the others".
I am not saying there should be a support group, trust me there are many, I just want to feel that I am the only ONE, that only MY life is unfair, only I have BIG problems, only I have to face these horrible pressures and scrutiny...
All of that just so that I can say "Gah! Life! *sigh*" and move on happily. But they won't even give the pleasure of feeling that!! I'm done with praising myself, done with being overtly polite to strangers, done with asking for favours, done with filling out idiotic forms, done with worrying about the stupid "to be or not to be", the meaning of which I only truly comprehend now, I'm done with being pushed around by dumb-ass nothings and nobodys, I'm just done with it all!
I want to yell, I want to scream, I want to vent all the vex, all the anxiety, all the unwanted tensions. I want to crib! that I am the only one poor little soul on this planet who desperately needs, more than needs, deserves a break! and a BIG BREAK at that, not one of those the Kit-Kat breaks. I can't have those, I'll put on too much weight.

Now that my GradApplications are *almost* over, I want to do something crazy; colour my hair pink, may be run-away to an exotic island all by myself, jump off a cliff and then realize I can fly, or may be I'll just get a tattoo. Nah! I'm scared at the sight of the needle. Everytime I watch "Miami Ink", I feel like getting a funky tattoo, you know, one on the back of my shoulder, a bar-code with the Fibonacci sequence, wouldn't that be just cool!?! I wish I had that thing that you need to have to get a tattoo, or for that matter get anything that has even the remotest hint of being permanent. For now, the only thing that has a permanent mark on it, is my PhD *plan*. I guess, everything else can wait, or not, or whatever!

P H D

Piled Higher Deeper...

*Twitch* *twitch* *twitch*...

It's midnight. I am tired. I'm supposed to be writing my "Statement of Purpose". And it doesn't help that I have to try real hard to make myself *sound* interesting to a bunch of old professors who I (for some reason) find extraordinarily interesting.

Neil is not replying to email. I am thinking... Is he pissed with me? Is he annoyed? Or is it just me?

Classes have started. I still have to prepare for tomorrow's class. I haven't prepared for any of the classes I'm supposed to take this semester.

My stupid computer is acting weird. Runtime error, it seems! Gah!

I haven't exercised in the last 3 days. It's driving me up the wall.

It has been confirmed today (by two *nice* people) that I am impossible.

Mumma isn't home. I miss my Mumma. I want my Mummmaaa! *waaaaaahhh* I want my Mumma now!

Blah. Life!

I am tired. I want to sleep. But my eyes are WIDE OPEN. I am twitching like a bloody junkie, and all I had was dosa-sambar.

My brain refuses to go to sleep. It wants to keep thinking. (I wish I knew what it wants to think.)

Did I say this before? I am tired.

Blaaarrrrrgghhh. Life!

*Sigh*

*Sigh*

*Sigh*

Why am I writing this post? I honestly don't know. You tell me.

Of Things I Left Behind. #1

Anytime is a good time for nostalgia and all this application work keeps transporting me to a time when I handled and manhandled quite a few "matters"! ... "Ah! those were the days..."

Running around doing errands, requesting Profs for references, collecting, photocopying a million and a half documents, short-listing Universities, the actual applications and then wondering if the ones that have managed to make the list are really worth something in the long run. Then there were other issues that I had to figure; funding. I did not want to be one of those(read pampered and spoilt) kids whose only qualification for getting admits to the British Universities is parents with good-looking bank accounts! Thankfully, luckily, I did not have to be one of 'them'...
I've since left all the worries of funding far behind. My theory (and I hope as hell it works for me) is that: If I did not pay for my Masters why on this Earth would I pay for a PhD?! Besides NO ONE sane enough would consider coughing up $30,000/year for 4-5 years!?! So, most Universities give stipends which help cover for most of the costs.
(Anyhoo, the funding worries have now been replaced by other worries; if I have enough research experience, etc. But I'm not going to talk about it here, because I still have to leave it behind. When I do leave it behind, I will delve further on the "matter".)

Arrrgh! How did I start about my applications?!
I had initially decided I will write a post about my life in UK and generally reminisce about the good ol' days, but main yahan kahan aa gayi?! khair thik hai...this *was* how it ALL began!

I'll blog about it later.

Ah! C'est La Vie!

By the end of the semester, I had begun to hate teaching at FC. This comic strip just restored my hope; I'm not alone in this TA-ing world... I can survive another semester here!

C'est ça la FC! C'est la vie!

Philosophy of the D in my PhD.

I plan to apply for a PhD soon (read,in a couple of months), and I took up teaching so that I don't sit at home listlessly, uselessly, and basically to avoid making my life pointless. You get the idea, right?!
(the pittance of a pay-check is responsible for such negativity towards teaching!)

I'm between my M Sc and my PhD,
I am in the transition state, let's call it 'D'
'D' is the high-energy state where all the excess energies are being resourced towards attaining a stable state PhD.
*nerd alert blaring at top volume!*

Yes, the point of all the rambling is something I read written on the black-board when I entered my classroom.

"Experience is something you get when you are looking for something else."
--Anonymous

How perfectly it defined my transition state for me!

*sigh* *sigh* *sigh*

My Teaching 'Experience'...so far...

As time passed by, I realized that sitting at home made me progressively dumber, stupider (I know it's not a word!), it was driving me insane everyday. My mind had become so empty; I saw myself becoming the DEVIL!! Sitting at home reading, listening to music all day, watching all the films that I always wanted to watch, etc., it was all fun at first, but the realization that things in my life stayed where they were annoyed me immensely. Exciting things had ceased to happen in my life...the ennui seemed to have no end. That was when I decided, I had to set in motion all my blasted brain-cells and do something constructive with my time...I had to start working part-time somewhere, to keep myself occupied at any rate with something 'technical'...I was done with the non-technicalities of life! The artistic urges wanted to go to sleep while the practical, more scientific ones took over and took charge of my life! [spicing it up for me while they were at it! :)]

I started teaching. Something I always dreamed of doing!...but in my head, I always thought I would teach the grad-students (I've always considered them to be more committed to learning, and education, and have a wider knowledge base to work upon, etc.). NOW, here I was teaching first and second year under-grads! I mean, I was one of them so recently! I knew so well their never-ending need to be nasty to the new TA's! How I dreaded doing it!

Fortunately my first class with the first year B Sc kids was fabulous! *phew* I liked my students and they liked me! (atleast that is what I would sincerely like to believe). It was hard for me to accept how much I was enjoying teaching a bunch eighteen-nineteen year olds!...and thinking about it, for the first time, I realized what I was enjoying, I was loving the process of making better grad-students out of them! I was thrilled when they looked up to me for answers, I was elated when they asked me logical questions. It was fun leading them to answer their own questions, by deducing from the knowledge they already had, from their experiences and observations in day-to-day matters and then building upon it to finally teach them what I intended to do in the first place!

"The whole art of teaching is only the art of awakening the natural curiosity of young minds for the purpose of satisfying it afterwards."
--Anatole France (1844 - 1924), The Crime of Sylvestre Bonnard

So far, according to me, it has been an enriching and educating experience for me (definitely) and my kids (hopefully). To sum it all up...

"When one teaches, two learn."
--Robert Half.

GOD knows how much I love teaching! God bless my kids!



P.S.: The, er, inspiration for typing this post was the Robert Half quote on my Gmail. "Fucking coincidence" was what 'S' called it when he randomly emailed me same the quote just as I began punching in my thoughts in this space, I loosely refer to as 'my blog'! :D