Of Matrimonials and Much.

I just wrote a profile for a matrimonial. I am utterly and completely disgusted with myself!

They ask you about yourself and that's easy. I mean how hard can it be? I am a self-confessed, self-obsessed being. It was a cake walk.

Then they ask you about your family. I love them so that was fairly easy too.

Then came the expectations! And I went, WTF!?! I mean it's so fucking transcendental! I don't know how people have these ideas and images of their Mr/Ms Right?!
I happen to be clueless about a lot of things and this got added and took up 3 meters of my existing 5 meters of scroll!
And then are other issues and types of expectations too. I mean there are realistic/unrealistic expectations, there are lowered expectations that come from previous experiences, there are the expectations that you hope that you won't have to put down in so many words, there are expectations not just from the suitor but from the family also, well and then some...
How does one define, differentiate and then finally decide what they want? How does one know what they want in terms of all the abstract, all the unsaid?

And then I finally managed to write one sentence. Only one sentence. All I expect in one sentence. Pathetic!

Now I wonder how I never found any man in all these years who could come to close to all that I need, all that I want? Do I ask for a lot? Am I too stuck up? Am I plain lost? Am I not looking for the right things? I'm obviously not looking for the right things, how else do you explain finishing the expectations part in one sentence?!
What do they look for in them anyways?
How do they define their compatibility with their significant others?
How do they know what to keep what to let go?

What is fantastic? What is reality?
Why is all this so hard?

Song Beneath The Song.

I absolutely love things that are beneath other things; the things unsaid, the subtle, obscure, hidden meanings that usually go unnoticed by "them". (for future references, "them" is the general, insignificant lot! bah!) I guess, no, I think, it makes a piece of work/art a lot closer to the creator's/artist's self. (I want to give this thought a little more thought, maybe another blog-post, some other day!)

I was listening to 'Song Beneath The Song' by Maria Taylor. I was moved more than I considered myself capable.

Hmmm, so why does my heart feel so heavy?

"Song Beneath The Song"

Cryptic words meander
Now there is a song beneath the song
One day you'll learn
You'll soon discern its true meaning
An interesting detachment
A listless poem of love sincere
Desire, despair
Overlapping melodies

And it's not a love, it's not a love
It's not a love, it's not a love song

And now the loops are reminiscing
Recurring dreams of minor chords
Metered time
Muted chimes find the beat

And in the pulse there lies conviction
A steady push and pull routine
Till cymbals swelled
High notes fell into reach

And it's not a love, it's not a love
It's not a love, it's not a love song.

--Maria Taylor.

There is so much undefined pain, so much undefined hurt and yet through all the undefined-ness (?!)I could still, strangely identify with it! it's not the simple sadness, there is something about this song that intrigued me immensely, and without knowing what that was, I still felt that I had experienced it somewhere... at some lost locus within the length of my lifetime...am I making any sense?! anyways, I hope I am, it's so hard to articulate such complex thoughts and emotions).
No-no, don't get any wrong notions about my life, it has been almost perfect (touch-wood!), no complaints there, but the song struck a chord somewhere, stirred something within me which I had forgotten existed; somethings I had shut in a closet to be forgotten is more like it.

In 'High Fidelity', says Rob Gordon, "I wanna live with a musician. She'd write songs at home and ask me what I thought of them, and maybe even include one of our little private jokes in the liner notes."
Listening to that... all I wanted to scream out was...."Me tooo!!" (just replace the 'she' with 'he', of course! :D)

Sorry, I digress. So, coming back to this song, it sort-of, seems to belong to the category of such private songs written especially, with personal liner by the poet somewhere. *sigh* [I dunno why I sighed, just felt like a sigh would sum up all the things that I'm leaving unsaid! :)]

Someday. Someday, someone is going to write a beautiful song about me, a song for me. Someday.

On that thought, I will sign off.

P.S.: I just want to add, rather urge you to listen to this song...'Song Beneath The Song', it's lovely!